Update: Added my little disclaimer that I forgot to put in the first time. ^
Update 2: For clarification, we have a doorbell, the gate was locked (on purpose, so people can’t let the dog out), and we have a mailbox out front where the USPS leaves pickup notices. Yes, our dog is loose, but we like to give him that freedom and not keep him tied up all day. That’s why the fence is there. He’s barely older than 1 year old and so is still a frisky, overly friendly dog. There’s NO cover anywhere near the front fence, so even if we didn’t have a dog, my package was tossed in on open ground and could have been rained on.
So on my blog Fictional Food, my mockingjay cupcakes are by far my most popular post and I often get commenters on the blog or on my YouTube how-to video asking me if I’d make and sell them some. Since I live in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, it’s never sounded like a good idea.
Until one day a request came in that I just couldn’t say no to. So I made plans to have a spiffy cupcake box, handmade by moi. I made them while attending the world premiere of The Hunger Games in LA and they took forever to make. I didn’t think I could make 4 dozen of them without needing to be checked into a mental hospital afterwards, so I went onto Amazon and ordered 100 black cupcake boxes with windows from some third party vendor named Dress My Cupcake on March 11.
On March 12, they called me as I was about to get all dolled up for the premiere and said that they couldn’t ship FedEx to a PO Box, so could I please give a street address. I gave it to the guy and hung up, happy to know that my package would soon be on its way. I had to ship the cupcakes out by the 20th, so I’d been worried. I got a shipment confirmation from Amazon on the 13th.
By the 19th, the boxes hadn’t arrived, so I called them up to ask what was going on. The guy said he couldn’t give me a tracking number because the warehouse was closed, but that my shipment date was the 23rd. By that time, the cupcake order had been delayed to the 26th, so I still had time. I asked them to email me the tracking number. It never came.
By the 23rd, it still wasn’t here, so I was panicking. I called them up again and they gave me the tracking number, only when I tracked the package, it was by UPS and it had shipped on the 20th, which is the day AFTER I called to complain about my missing package. How curious. Apparently they said FedEx “messed up” my zip code and sent the package back to them so they had to send it out UPS. I don’t really believe them.
The tracking on the package said delivery would happen by end of day on the 27th, which is today. I told the woman that was too late, that I needed them by the 26th. She gave me details on how to ship them back to get a refund. I agonized over the thought of having to make my own boxes again. Then the cupcake order got delayed yet again, so this meant that I could now accept the boxes and use them and everyone would be happy. Right?
ENTER THE UNITED PARCEL SERVICE
I came home and reached into the mailbox, expecting a slip of paper saying I had to go pick up my box at some UPS office. There was nothing in there, so I open the gate and as I’m wheeling my bike in, I see the dog out of the corner of my eye in the section of yard to the right. I was confused. What the hell was all that white shit surrounding him?
YES, PEOPLE. THOSE ARE MY CUPCAKE BOXES.
Apparently, when UPS can’t get into your locked gate that is there for privacy, THEY THROW THE FUCKING BOX INTO YOUR YARD. And I say “throw” because the fence is 5 feet high, so there’s no gentle putting down of boxes happening here.
From there, our dog Max assumed the package was for him and went to town opening it. He got teeth marks in pretty much every single piece in the box. Quite the talented dog.
I looked around at these fucking nightmarish pieces of cardboard that were supposed to save me time and wanted to pull my hair out in a District 2 Cato rage. Don’t worry, the dog is still alive and unharmed, though he did get so excited that he knocked me on my ass while running around excitedly as I cleaned up. THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN.
To the stupid idiot driver from UPS: I hope my 85 dollars comes straight out of your pocket and they send you back to do like 500 hours of additional UPS training so that you get it into your thick skull that throwing a box into someone’s yard DOESN’T COUNT AS A SUCCESSFUL DELIVERY.
I could hear our dog puking up cardboard as I wrote this, so thanks for making our dog sick too. Jerk.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go make myself some god damn cupcake boxes.